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19 November 2012 @ 01:34 am
blame it on my wild heart  


They don't talk about the kiss, the morning after it, not even after Sam goes to work and they're left alone in the kitchen: Dean focuses on his breakfast and sometimes steals a few glances at Cas who is looking at him with an expectant look on his face.
But Dean doesn't do or say anything that is not keeping his head low and eating in silence; he wish he was good at this, one of those guy who can easily fix awkward situations like this one in a blink, but he has no fucking clue, like really, and just feels like a complete dumbass because of it.
- It's getting cold. -
- What?-
Cas is observing something outside the window now and Dean can't see his face, just the back of his neck.
- The weather. It's getting colder. -
- Yeah, well.. Winter is coming. Happens when summer is over. -
- Didn't thought 'bout that. I forgot you have seasons. -
- You... forgot?-
He doesn't reply, doesn't even look away from whatever he's staring at.
- I wonder how it'll feel... -
- What?-
Dean is increasingly more and more confused by Cas behavior and doesn't really know how to react at it or of keep talking to him is going to make things better or worse; and doesn't know if he should be grateful he's not trying to talk about the kiss or if he should feel slightly offended Cas can just put it behind him so fast.
- Never mind. It's nothing. -
Cas simply gets up, puts the dirty dishes in the sinker and starts walking out of the room: but before he leaves, when he's right behind Dean, he softy caresses his shoulder.
Dean looks up and catches him smiling softy, with a strange sort of sadness behind the smile.
Then Cas leaves and he's alone with his thoughts that seem to weight on his shoulders in a much more heavier way and he fears they'll crush him for sure this time.
The worst thing is that he wishes he could regret what happened with him last night, but he doesn't, not in the slightest.
He wants more of it, wants to grab Cas and kiss him again, press their bodies together until the heat, the pressure and everything is too much, take off his clothes and fuck him on the nearer horizontal surface available.
It makes him feel weird, to have this thoughts about him, a man he barely knows, someone who was supposed to be just a passing cloud in his sky.
It has been so long since he had these desires for... for somebody he could actually get and not just dream about in silence and shame, hating himself for every single one of those feelings, for those images that filled his mind...
This is different, this is almost too easy, he's not used to easy, it usually means troubles.
He sighs, feeling tired even thought he just woke up and fighting the impulse of just sending everything to fuck itself and going back to bed is surprisingly hard.
But in the end, he gets up and goes to work: at least he will be too busy to think about anything.

They may not talk about what happened and Cas may be trying to avoiding being alone with him for too long in small spaces and staying away from every chance of touching, but he's surely not having any kind of issue at staring at him with that needy expression on his face that really, really drives Dean mad.
He tries not to do it when Sam is around, but when he's sure Dean is looking straight at him, Cas can't seems to be able to stop himself: he smiles, licks his lips, caresses Dean's body with his gaze and generally stares at him like he's some sort of delicious meal and he's starving.
Dean tries to stay calm and ignore him, especially when Sammy is also there, but he's human too: so he plays along, returns the smiles and teases him only to regret it when Cas doesn't do anything more and he's left aroused and lonely.
At night, he stares at the ceiling, unable to sleep, ends up closing his eyes and touching himself thinking about Cas, about his lips, the look in his eyes, the expression on his face, the weight of his body in his arms...
He just can't stop thinking and thinking, dreams about it more than it's healthy.
It's driving him mad and Dean has no way of stopping it.

- What are you doing?-
Cas looks up from the books he's pretending to read one evening, two days later after they kissed, a nice smile forming on his lips when he noticed the frustrated expression on Dean's face.
- What you're talking about, Dean?-
- You know what. -
His smile gets wider.
- I suppose I do... but do you know, Dean?-
- What you mean?-
Cas sights.
- I'm not doing anything but telling you that, if you wanted, things could get... interesting. -
He gets up from the couch and puts an hand on the back of Dean's neck, pulling him closer.
- But it's up to you whatever you want to take this chance or not. -
Dean stares at him, swallows and tries to breath normally, obviously failing, especially when Cas kisses him, a fast and hard kiss that manages to make his blood burn with need.
He doesn't say anything else after that.
Dean almost wants to kiss him again, is craving to do it, but doesn't: he simply lets him go when Cas pulls away from him.
The other man's face is glowing with amusement when he leaves.

They have dinner with Anna and Gabriel that night, all five crumpled in Cas's tiny kitchen: it's nice and relaxed, like Dean imagines a regular family dinner would be.
He has distant memories of the ones their family used to have before his mother died and is almost sure that Sam doesn't remember any of them at all: gives him the chance to appreciate these small things more than Dean can, because at times like this he misses having a normal family the most.
Miss having a real family he can call his own, instead of borrowing others.
- Will you guys come to the feast tomorrow night?-
Anna is looking at them, her face beaming with excitement.
- Feast? What feast?-
- Two town kids are getting married and there'll be a small party at the library. You and Dean should come too! It'd be fun!-
- Oh! That sounds, well, nice. -
- I know! I'm so happy for them. -
Cas snorts.
- Of course you are, look at you, being all girly about marriage. -
- Piss off, Cas!
They both laugh at the exchange, especially at the fake hurt expression that appears on Cas's face.
- Sorry for telling the truth!-
Anna rolls her eyes and drinks some of the wine in her glass.
- So, what you say? You two coming?-
Sam looks at Dean.
- I'd love to, really. Should be fun. Dean? What you say?-
But Dean isn't looking at Sam, he's looking at Cas who knowingly grins at him, their eyes remain locked even when he empties what little wine is left in his glass: then he licks his lips and so many unspoken words pass between them in those few seconds that Dean can't help but laughing softly at the whole exchange, ignoring Sam funny expression.
- Yeah, I mean, why not? We need to have some fun once in a while. You guys all coming?-
- I'm not! With so many people around I may not be able to refrain myself from murdering them all... -
Sam and Cas laugh at Gabriel jokes, while Anna looks annoyed.
- You always spoil everything, Gabe, good job. Cas? You're in right?-
- Of course, of course. Won't stay long, but how can I pass an opportunity to get free food and alcohol?-
- You two are impossible!-
- Yet you still love us, dear sister. -
Anna shakes her head, but she's smiling again.
- Great then, we're all going. It'll be fun, I'm sure! Can't wait!-
Dean, still looking at Cas, grins.
- I was just thinking the same thing. -

The party, as he expected, is boring as fuck: the newly wed couple is nice and cute, but they both sport dull smiles, a exceeding and fake kindness that makes Dean feel sick in his stomach.
At least the food is good and the majority of the presents don't give a damn about him, except for a couple of glances and whispers at his address that he easily ignores, not even bothering looking at them.
Sam is much more comfortable, waves at people with a genuine smile on his face, stops to say hello and easily fits in like he absolutely belongs there, that he's in his natural element.
Dean would be jealous of him and would probably spend some thoughts about how dangerous that is, if he wasn't so busy looking for Cas and wondering what's going to happen.
Because, clearly, this is an opportunity they shouldn't waste: Sam would probably stay there the whole evening with Anna and the house would be empty... He's sure Cas thought the same thing.
Or at least he hopes so, because misunderstanding that would be more awkward than kissing and not talking about it.
Dean runs an hand through his hair and breaths out a nervous sigh.
When he finds him, Cas is alone in a corner of the room, absently looking at one of the book shelves, a bottle of beer in his hand, the other in his pocket.
- Enjoying yourself?-
- At least they have alcohol. -
Dean laughs.
- Yeah, I know how you feel. -
- Not used to all this coziness, are you?-
- Nope. That's definitely not something I'm used to. -
They don't say anything for a while, just standing there next to each other in silence, not even bothering trying to find some conversation elements: they're both waiting for the other to make the first move, but neither seems to be able to.
Until Cas yaws, obviously faking it.
- I think I'll go home now, I'm so tired! Can't wait to... go to bed. -
Dean stares right at his mouth as he says those words, trying to detect every change in tone, any hint, any hidden meaning and the way Cas smiles that secret grin that seems to be evident only to him.
After he's gone, despite Anna's protests and pleads, he waits twenty more minutes before deciding to follow him.
And those twenty minutes are without any doubt the longest of his life: a million doubts pass through his mind, so many things to thinking about.
He's suddenly scared he got everything wrong about Cas: what if he never meant it as an invitation? If he was just... fuck he doesn't even know, his brain just hurts for thinking so much.
That's why in the end he just decides to take this chance and fuck everything and everyone.
He excuses himself fast, ignores Sam questioning look and Anna's whinings and follows Cas home.

The house is dark and incredibly quiet when he goes in: all the lights are out and nothing moves.
Dean can hear his own heartbeat in that stillness and can barely see where he's going in that darkness: then suddenly the small lap near the couch is switched on.
And Cas is sitting there, partially hidden from his sight.
- I was starting to fear you weren't going to come. -
Cas gets up, slowly, his voice low, his eyes slightly unfocused.
- Yeah, well... I'm here now. That's what matters, right?-
He laughs, standing in front of him, his hands in his pockets again, like he doesn't know what to do with them: there's a nervous stiffness in Cas's body, like he's at the same time too excited about what's going to happen and scared about it.
Dean gets it perfectly, since it's exactly what he's going through.
- Of course it is. -
They study each other for a while, their bodies so close and yet still separated by a space that neither of them has the guts to fill.
Not yet, at least: there are still things that need to be said.
- So... -
- So. -
Cas grins again, enjoying this more than he probably should, the teasing, making Dean feel so close to get what he's craving for and at the same time not close enought.
A clever and cruel game that makes Dean moan softly under his breath.
- I think there are three possible outcomes of this extremely funny and interesting situation we find each other in. -
- Three? Let's hear them then, cause honestly I have only one in mind. -
His laugh hits his ears harder than he should but his nerves are already starting to overfeel everything.
- One: we go sit on the couch and spend the rest of the night opening our hearts to each other. Very poetical, very tragic. I'll even let you sob on my shoulder and don't complain about the snot stains!-
- God, how many drinks you had before I came?!-
Cas shakes his head and puts a finger on his lips, making him shiver at the touch
- Shut up, Dean. Two: we still go sit in the couch, but instead of talking, we just get drunk and end up vomiting our souls out. Basically my usual night, minus the vomiting, I don't usually get that drunk. Oh maybe I just have a very strong stomach. -
Dean can't help but laughing at the serious expression on his face, but shakes his head.
- I'll pass. What's number three?-
Cas sights and takes another step forward and now there are literally just a few centimeters separating their bodies from touching the way Dean has been thinking about for days.
- The third one is... well... complicated. -
- It is?-
- Yeah... -
Cas is murmuring those words on his lips, his breath caressing them: his hands move on his shoulders, holding him there.
- You take me upstairs and you fuck me until I'm a mess, until I can't even get up. -
Those words hang in the air between them, louder than a siren even thought Cas whispered them so softly Dean barely heard him: he licks his lips and has to close his eyes for second in order to stop himself from just throwing Cas against the wall and fucking him there.
- Well... it is complicated... -
- I know... Everything would change. I'm not sure you're ready for that... -
Dean puts an hand on the back of his neck and grabs him hard, making him groan, Cas's eyes looking almost liquid with the desperate want he reads inside them: make him want to do unspeakable things to him, fuck him so hard he won't be able to sit straight for days after he's done with him and oh God he's just picturing in his mind so fucking vividly he's scared he could come like this like a friking teenager.
He has to take a moment to try to take a deep breath, only half succeeding, then he pulls their bodies together, rubbing his erection against Cas's through their jeans and the other man fucking moans so loud against his lips that he just...
- I think I am... -
Cas closes his eyes for a moment: then smiles.
- Yeah... I think you are. -
Kissing him again is fucking perfect, so intense his whole brain threatens to give up because dammit, it feels so good, so perfect he just wants to keep doing that forever and ever, not even stopping to breath because, hell, breathing is so overrated and Cas's lips feel so good under his.
He's moaning in his mouth, caressing his body with greedy hands, while Cas's are in his hair, grabbing and pulling them until Dean is groaning and shaking him.
- Fuck... we're never going to make it to the bed if you keep doing that... -
Dean laughs and kisses him again.
- Would that be so bad?-
- Mmh... not for me, but are you sure you want Sam to find us naked and well fucked on the couch?-
He closes his eyes for a moment and curses under his breath.
- Right, right. Upstairs, bedroom. -
Cas grins and kisses him hard on the lips one last time, before heading for the stairs.
- That's what I'm talking about. -

They don't waste time once they're in the room; as soon as the door closes behind them, Cas's hands are all over him, pulling at his clothes, pressing him against the wall and kissing hard until Dean is left breathless and panting, struggling to keep some sort of control over himself.
Cas's body is firm, warm and real in his arms, rubs against his in a desperate attempt to get more contact, more pressure, more everything: because nothing, nothing seems to be enough right now.
His shirt flies across the room and Cas laughs as Dean fights to take off him with shaking hands, while still attacking his mouth, unable to to stop kissing him, his breathing rushed and his whole body restless.
- Calm down, cowboy, don't want to have you finished before we even start having some real fun!-
Dean bites his neck as an answer, making Cas crying out in pleasure when he starts licking and sucking the mark he left until there's s big red spot on his soft, white skin.
It looks so good on him, like his whole body was made just to be touched like that and by him: his face is slightly sweaty, his eyes big and clouded by lust.
He looks so beautiful Dean almost wants to scream it at him, but he doesn't, of course.
- Oh, don't worry. I got this... -
- You better!-
Once they're both shirtless, they stare at each other for a moment: then Cas starts caressing his chest, his fingertip following the outline of his tattoo, before pausing to get down and kiss it.
Dean pushes him back until he ends up sitting on the bed, his face at the same height with his crotch.
Cas grins and smiles wickedly at him, as his hands starts caressing his legs, carefully avoiding touching him where Dean really needs it, making him curse under his breath.
- If you just wanted a blowjob, Dean, you should have just asked nicely... -
- Oh, so it was on the menu?-
Dean runs an hand through his hair, massaging his scalp and he's pretty sure Cas is fucking purring and shit, that's pretty much the hottest thing he ever heard in his whole life.
- It is now. -
Cas opens his jeans painfully slowly, like he's carefully unwrapping a present, taking all the time in the world and teasing him until Dean has to pull at his hair to make him go faster.
- Fuck, Cas!-
- We will, if you're patient and good... no rush, my friend. And look at this! No underwear? You naughty boy... -
He takes his aching cock out of his pants and starts stroking it, slowly at first, then faster and Dean curses and moans at every touch, one hand in Cas's hair, the other on the back of his neck.
His body feels on fire, like it's about to burst into flames because of everything Cas is able to make him feel; it only gets worse when the heat of his mouth surrounds him.
- Fuck!-
The feeling is overwhelming, literally too much for his brain and his body to handle it, because it has been way too fucking long since the last time he had sex and he, with all the things that happened in his life lately, had no chance to notice how much he missed and needed it until now.
And the other man is damn good at it, that's for sure, he's fucking knows what to do to make his legs feel weak and his body tremble under his hands and his mouth: his tongue caresses his shaft slowly, making him see stars behind hos closed eyes and honestly Dean can't remember the last time he felt so relaxed and so good.
Cas hums around his dick, when he starts massaging his scalp again, licking and sucking and then he does something with his tongue that is absolute amazing and sudden that it makes Dean cry out in pleasure and threatens to make him come right there if he doesn't stop him right now.
Even thought stopping him is really the last thing he wants.
So, even thought his body vigorously protests, he pushes him away, taking some quick and deep breath to calm down.
Cas lays down on the bed, smiling lustfully at him: Dean gets on top of him, kisses him again, caresses his chest and his hips.
- You're still wearing your pants. -
Dean laugh at him.
- So are you... -
- Yeah, well, that's not good, is it?-
- Nope, not good at all... -
Cas kisses him one more time, licking his lips after.
- Let's fix it then. -